


Lone Wolf

by fangirlingingeneralidk



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Grief, I Made Myself Cry, Loneliness, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-12-23 12:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11990016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingingeneralidk/pseuds/fangirlingingeneralidk
Summary: AU in which Remus lives but Tonks dies.





	1. The End of the Battle

Remus stared at the aftereffects of the green light. He knew what his eyes were telling him, but he also knew it couldn't be true. He'd lost so much already. There was no way he could take this blow too.

But the fact remained that his wife's vibrant, beautiful body, always so full of life-was lying broken and empty on the floor of Hogwarts Castle. No.

He spun around to face her attacker, but the Death Eater seemed to have left. Maybe they hadn't seen Remus there. Or maybe they had, and had run. Because the way Remus was feeling, everything should run from him. He wanted to catch the person responsible for making him feel this way, wanted to tear them apart and make them feel the same pain he was.

For the first time in his life, Remus wished he could become the wolf.

The hall was empty and he made sure it would stay that way, casting quick charms at either end of the corridor to make it seem like solid wall. Nobody would find her. Not until he came back for her. And he would, he promised.

He smoothed the hair away from her face; she had been fighting as her natural self, and he was grateful for it because if this was to be how he remembered her let it be the way she had been in life, not impersonating someone else. He wondered briefly and distantly if, had she died as someone else, she would have remained that way or morphed back. But it was just a thought to pull him away from the moment.

Remus pressed his lips to her forehead, but she was already cool to the touch and he recoiled. He realized, suddenly, that he didn't know what her last words had been. He couldn't recall what she had last said to him, and he hadn't heard the last words out of her mouth.

He had not yet made a sound. He seemed to be stuck, trapped in his silence, unable to call out or cry or even whisper. He felt hard inside, like the emptiness he should have felt was replaced with lead.

Remus left the hall without looking back. He had a war to win.

He rejoined the Order members and helped them in their fights. He duelled viciously, still in perfect silence. He had always been good at casting nonverbally. He remembered how it had annoyed Sirius that he could never tell when Remus was about to hex him, and how James would laugh every time it took him by surprise. He remembered how Tonks would-

No, not yet. He would not, could not, do this now. Now he took that horrible coldness and turned it to heat, into fuel for his fury and venom behind his spells. He could grieve later. Emotion was a luxury he didn't have time for.

Or so he told himself, although he was afraid he was only avoiding the truth: that if he were to start crying now, he would never be able to stop. Something would snap inside him ad be broken forever. He knew it, because he had felt this way before.

And so he fought. He fought but the war was being lost, and then came Voldemort's announcement. Give me Harry Potter.

"No, Harry," whispered Molly, but Remus knew Harry as surely as he knew that James would have done-had done-exactly what Harry must be planning now.

Remus still had not made a sound. None of the others knew anything beyond what they must have guessed. But now Kingsley approached him amidst the terrible eruption of noise as the Death Eaters withdrew and the survivors were left to mourn.

As the Weasleys bent over Fred, Kingsley leaned close and asked Remus, "Where's Tonks? Is she-?"

Remus didn't know whether the next word was going to be "okay" or "dead," because at the deadened, hardened look on his face Kingsley bent his head. "I'm sorry," he said in a low voice that acknowledged just how useless the words were, and left him to his grief alone.

Alone.

He was getting sick of being alone, but he didn't want anyone near him at the moment either. So he stood from the bench and left the Great Hall.

Remus walked. He paced and circled the grounds and always, always kept an eye on the Forest, though he suspected Harry had the sense to use the Cloak. He avoided the dementors; he could not produce a Patronus now for anything. He walked.

Eventually he became aware that he was crying, but he was making no sound and he would not stop walking because if he stopped then reality would start again and he was keeping that at bay; he was done with reality, because when had it ever played fair with him?

Against his will he began listing his losses for the millionth time in his life. Everyone who had ever been good to him, gone. James and Lily and Sirius, all dead. Even Peter, whom he knew he should not miss, had been a friend for years and it was hard to push that aside-although Peter seemed to have managed to do so just fine. And now even he was dead. Dumbledore, who had accepted him into Hogwarts and made it possible to have everything he had, dead.

Now Tonks, his wife, the one spot of brightness he had found and clung to in this time of desperate blackness and despair...now she had left him too.

"Why?" he whispered. It was his first word as a widower, his first word as a new person in this new and uglier world.

Teddy. Oh god, Teddy. He was barely a few months old and now he was half an orphan. If Remus didn't survive this war, he would have nobody but his grandmother.

Andromeda. Thinking of her caused a peculiar ache to form in his torso. He would have to tell her of her daughter's death and he would have to deal with her crying and her grief, and it was terribly selfish of him but he did not want to, didn't want to take on anyone else's pain. In some strange way he felt possessive, like he had known her longer or better than her own mother. What was wrong with him?

He hadn't even stopped to think about what Andromeda must be feeling right now. She had just lost her husband and then watched her daughter march into a war and drop a baby on her.

And Teddy himself…. Remus couldn't bear to think of his son. To think of him was to think of her, and to think of her was to collapse.

But the gates had been opened now and he couldn't help thinking that they'd had so little time together. Less than a year, and how much of that time had he actually spent by her side? He flushed with shame when he thought of how he'd sought out Harry when he learned of Teddy's existence. How could he have done that? Tonks had needed him, and he'd left her.

In some perverse sense, this felt like a sort of payback. He needed her now, and she had left him.

Remus sank to his knees and put his head in his hands, feeling the scars as familiar as any other part of him. Intrinsic. He hardly noticed them anymore. He pressed the pads of his fingers against his eyelids, trying to block everything out. He didn't want to think anymore.

Just then a distraction arrived in the form of the end of the world. It was Voldemort, and he was being followed not only by his Death Eaters but by Hagrid, who was holding something that looked terribly familiar, but it couldn't be….

He rose to his feet and stared at the dead body of Harry Potter, the son of his best friends and the world's best hope.

"No." The word was so low even he had trouble hearing it. It was easily overpowered by the others' screaming. Remus's heart ached for Ginny-to have just lost her brother, and now Harry? Remus understood that pain. And Ron, and Hermione-they would be hurting too. But in that moment Remus allowed himself the privilege to scream in his mind for Lily and James' son, their legacy, now being placed on the ground. He was so small. So young. And he had come so close.

Voldemort was speaking, but Remus heard none of it. He was staring at the bundle of boy-shaped cloth, willing it to move, to breathe, just to twitch….

He only tore his eyes away when Neville started yelling. No, Neville, he thought. He had taught the boy, after all, and though his proficiency and confidence had increased tremendously over the past few years, none of them were a match for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Remus closed his eyes for just a moment so he would not have to see the death of another of his students, then was immediately appalled with himself for such weakness. He owed it to Neville to bear witness to his final moments. He opened his eyes again.

But in those two seconds everything had devolved into chaos. Remus looked around, disoriented, and-

"WHERE'S HARRY?" bellowed Hagrid, and Remus's heart leapt a he spotted the telltale signs of people being jostled slightly by someone under the Cloak. It was faint, but Remus was intimately familiar with that Cloak from a thousand happy moments. He knew what it looked like when invisible people walked.

And then Harry revealed himself, and Remus did not cheer only because he was faint with relief and his throat was filled with suppressed tears. Yet the worst was still coming: Harry now faced Lord Voldemort again, and he seemed to have barely survived last time. What would save him this time?

"Who are you going to use as a shield today, Potter?" sneered Voldemort, and Remus resisted volunteering, because it wouldn't help Harry for Remus to die for him and Teddy needed him, even if every part of him begged to be allowed to die, to give in, to see her again and not be alone anymore….

He was swept out of these thoughts by Harry's explanation. It made little sense to him, but Remus noticed that its effect on Voldemort was stunning. He seemed unsure of himself. It was a side of him most of them had never seen.

A moment later it was over. Tom Marvolo Riddle was dead.

And so was Tonks.


	2. Andromeda

Remus couldn't bear to return to Andromeda and tell her the news. He couldn't face it, couldn't look her in the eye while explaining that her daughter had not survived.

But he knew he had to do it, because he was the best one for the job. He alone knew exactly how she felt; they had lost the same person, after all. He had to. That didn't mean he was comfortable with it.

He didn't ask anyone to come with him. This was his burden. And he didn't want to bother the others. The Weasleys were busy with their own loss; the rest of the Order was occupied with rebuilding and helping the Ministry get back on its feet. Anyway, he didn't want their pity. Remus was done with being pitied.

So he Disapparated; Hogwarts could no longer prevent the action, not after what it had just been through. It was a wonder nobody else had tried it. But then, he thought ruefully, they had been rather preoccupied at the time. The attempt at humor fell flat by virtue of the fact that if they could have Disapparated, they could have escaped, she could have escaped, and-

The crushing sensation around his lungs continued even as he reappeared outside the Tonks residence. Remus paused to take an enormous, fortifying breath. It rushed out too quickly. Something was squeezing his chest besides the magic. He wasn't surprised.

He stood in the garden for a moment longer than necessary. He closed his eyes. The last time he had been here, it had been with Tonks, playing with Teddy before any of this had happened. It was an entirely different universe.

Remus knocked. Andromeda opened the door quicker than he would have thought possible: his knuckles had just left the wood when it was yanked away. He opened his mouth-to say what, he didn't know-but she was turning away and scuttling around the room. He wasn't sure she had even seen who he was.

"So the war's over, then?" she asked, her back to him. She plumped a pillow and smoothed a blanket. He began to suspect that she was intentionally avoiding his eyes. "And? If anyone's come here I guess that means we've won, haven't we? Well, that's great! That's wonderful. Of course it is."

Remus noticed, with a pang of guilt, that she was still in mourner's black for her husband. He opened his mouth again despite having no words. But as he did so she spun around.

"Hello, Remus, darling," she said, as though she had no memory of her first greeting. It threw him off, and he closed his mouth again without having said a word. "The baby's upstairs sleeping. How are you?"

He cleared his throat. "Andromeda," he began, but he didn't need to go on. At the sound of her name she had already dropped the smile. She sank into a chair.

"Don't," she whispered weakly.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said robotically, but he knew the words were a lie. It was his fault she was gone, his fault her mother was crying now. She had followed him there. He had brought her into danger.

But he said nothing, because he knew Andromeda would only comfort him and the words would be empty. Even if she meant them, he could not accept them.

She took his silence in. She met his eyes. Suddenly and without warning she snatched him up in a hug. Startled, he didn't know where to put his hands. Eventually they settled, one on the back of her head and one at the small of her back. Remus closed his eyes.

They clung to each other.

When they broke apart, he could not look her in the eye. "Stay for dinner," she offered, but he shook his head. A silently tearful dinner-or worse, a meal with forced conversation-wouldn't release the knot in his throat or the pit in his chest. "Teddy will be up soon," she added quietly, but he was already leaving.

Even as he spun on the spot, Remus did not know why he had left without seeing his son. Perhaps it was just that he didn't want to remember, to be in proximity to anything that would remind him of her. Teddy's shifting hair would definitely fall into that category. But he wondered: were there other reasons behind his fleeing?

What he refused to admit, even to himself, even in his head, was the fear that everyone who got close to him died. He didn't think he could bear it if he lost Teddy, too.


	3. Teddy

Teddy Lupin was ten years old, and he sometimes thought he had no parents at all. His mother, he knew, had given her life in the war against Voldemort, shortly after his birth. He had never known her, though his grandmother made sure he saw photos and heard stories.

But his father was alive. He was just never there for Teddy. Oh sure, he was physically present. But he was emotionally cut off-not just from Teddy but from everyone. Sometimes Teddy wanted to "shake some sense into that man," like he'd heard his grandmother mutter when she didn't think he was listening.

It had been ten years. Tonks was gone, but her son remained. Yet Remus Lupin, Andromeda told Teddy darkly one night after a little too much firewhiskey, was scarred in more ways than one.

Often Teddy wished Harry wasn't just his godfather but his actual father. Three-year-old James Sirius, named for both Teddy's father's best friends, and two-year-old Albus Severus, name for people Teddy didn't really understand-how were they heroes?-seemed much happier when Harry was playing with them. Ginny would join in, usually, but now that she was expecting another baby Harry was making her rest more.

The Potter household was full of smiles and laughter. Only once did Teddy ever see Harry cry, and he was so startled he burst into tears as well. Ginny hugged Teddy, placing a calming hand on Harry's knee from her position on the floor. When Harry had recovered, he had apologized to Teddy for worrying him. Teddy loved spending time with the Potters.

But the time always came for him to return home, to an aging grandmother and a silent father. The house's quiet was so complete sometimes Teddy's footsteps would echo. It made him want to scream.

And one night it did. He couldn't take it anymore. Teddy, lying in bed, grabbed his pillow and screamed into it to muffle the sound, because in this stupid silence everyone would her the slightest sound he made.

Within seconds the scream turned into tears. He tried to blink them away, but it was no use; they formed and fell no matter how much he tried to push them back. So he stopped trying.

In a flash of insight, he wondered how often his father had felt this powerless against the flow of sorrow, had been in this exact situation. The next moment Teddy stopped caring. It was his father's fault Teddy was crying in the first place, so why should he feel bad? It's not like Remus ever thought about Teddy crying. Why should Teddy do so for him?

Teddy cried himself to sleep for the first time that night, but it wasn't the last.

Nobody knew until one night, at a sleepover with the Potters, his loneliness overwhelmed him and he cried into the sheets Ginny had cleaned for him. He was good at crying quietly by now, and no one would have known had James not found him.

"Teddy?" James' voice was soft, surprisingly gentle for a three-year-old who loved to wreak mischief.

Teddy looked up, surprised. He hadn't heard James come in. He wiped at his face quickly, trying to deny the obvious.

"Why are you crying?" said James, pulling himself onto Teddy's bed to sit next to him.

"I'm not," Teddy said quickly. He sighed. It was no good to pretend. "Don't tell Harry."

James bit his lip. "Why not? Crying isn't good."

"Just… Please, James." Teddy was too tired to feel any shame at begging a toddler to keep his secret. "Go back to bed and forget about it, okay?"

James hopped down from the bed. At the door he looked back at Teddy. "Feel better," he said sweetly. Teddy smiled, but when James left he dropped the smile and went straight to sleep. Strangely, he did feel a little better. He no longer wanted to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

_A few nights later…_

James awoke in the middle of the night. He frowned. Something had woken him. He listened carefully.

Yes, there it was again. He couldn't tell what it was, but there was some noise in the house. He got out of his bed and went to investigate.

James tracked the sound to his parents' bedroom. He pushed the door open a little and slipped inside.

Ginny was sitting up in bed, knees drawn to her chest, sobbing. Harry sat next to her, one hand rubbing her back soothingly.

"Tom again?" he asked in a low voice.

She nodded, still crying.

"Mummy's crying," said James.

They looked at him hurriedly.

"James!" said Harry, as Ginny quickly wiped her face. "What are you doing out of bed?"

"Crying," James repeated insistently. "Mummy is sad?"

"S'alright, James, sweetie, I'm fine," Ginny told him, smiling. "Mum's okay, you can go back to sleep."

"Mummy is sad like Teddy?" James asked, rubbing his eyes.

Harry frowned. "Teddy? Teddy's sad?"

"Teddy cries like Mummy," James said in a whisper. "Don't tell."

"Thanks, James," Harry said, looking troubled. "G'night."

"Night, Daddy," and James went back to bed.

_The next morning…_

Harry stormed up to Remus and grabbed his arm. He pulled him into a seat and sat down opposite him.

"We need to talk."

Remus frowned faintly. "About what?"

"Your _son_ , Remus. Did you know James told me last night that he found Teddy crying himself to sleep?"

Remus looked away and moved to stand up, but Harry held his arms in place and kept him down.

"No. You're not leaving this conversation. Remus, why are you doing this? Isn't it bad enough the boy's lost one parent? Don't deprive him of his father."

The older man blinked slowly. He met Harry's eyes and flushed with shame. "You're right, of course," he said. "It's just… after everything, I-"

"You're scared of getting close to anyone," Harry quietly completed. His voice broke on the next sentence. "You think I don't know how that feels? Everyone's lost someone. Don't make us lose you too."

Remus managed a weak smile. Harry was struck by how old Remus always looked now. The man was only 47, but he carried lifetimes' worth of pain. Harry closed his eyes for a moment, and it startled Remus: with the scar hidden by falling hair he looked exactly like James.

"Remus," Harry whispered. "Your son needs you."

And the words pierced the layers of grief and guilt that Remus Lupin had hidden behind for years, and he cried.


	5. Epilogue

One year after Harry's confrontation with Remus, Teddy was ready to start Hogwarts.

"Got your trunk all packed?" his father inquired anxiously as Teddy came into the room. "Haven't forgotten anything, have you? Remember to write, we'll expect owls from you regularly. And we'll send you loads of mail."

"Dad, stop fussing," Teddy protested, but he was grinning. "I'll be fine. No, I didn't forget anything, and yes, I'll write. Don't nag."

"You know how your father worries, dear," said Andromeda fondly. "Here's your lunch for the train ride, then, and don't eat it all at once or you'll hurt your stomach."

Teddy rolled his eyes. "Yes, Gran."

"Now don't you give me any of that sass, young man," she scolded. He laughed and ducked to kiss her cheek.

"C'mon, Dad, don't want to be late!" Teddy pulled Remus to the door.

"Have I ever told you the story of how Harry missed the train?" Andromeda heard as her boys left.

She closed her eyes and smiled. They would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is my first completed multi-chap fic! Thanks for reading! I'd really love it if you could drop a comment. Until next time!


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